Ant City

I’ve been invaded by ants. They were everywhere. I found them in the office the other day, all over my computer and my paperwork. As I don’t eat in the office and leave crumbs about, I could only conclude that they were trying to get out of the wet weather, and make my life a misery at the same time.

Up until that point I was pretty certain that ants only frequented places that had an abundance of crumbs, not the inner workings of my computer tower. I had to bring out my hardcore surface spray and cover everything that I could see, and then some. There was no way I was sharing my personal computer space with a bunch of tiny black biters intent on holing up for a couple of days to keep their antennae dry. After nearly gassing myself during the process, I was ant-free and ready to go, which would have been nice in theory, but the toxic fumes wafting from every nook and cranny of my confined office-space was not congruent with my ongoing good health.

I decided to give it a miss for the remainder of the day and headed off to the kitchen, only to find an army of the tiny black titans surrounding the perimeters of my water cooler. It was ant-city scaling the sides of the reservoir and doing the backstroke in my fresh water. I had to ask myself, in a fit of pique, what the hell would a thousand ants be doing in my sacred filtered water if they were coming inside out of the rain?

I thought about what would be worse. Asphyxiating myself in the office or poisoning myself by drinking contaminated water that I had just downloaded three-quarters of a can of Mortein on.

I decided to cut my losses and go to the corner store and buy myself a coke and a chicken burger. As I pulled out of the driveway, a dozen ants scurried out from underneath the clutch and crawled up my ankle, biting me as they went. I nearly projected the car into the fence in an effort to take my foot off the clutch, put the brake on and jump out, all at the same time.

I sprayed what was left of the Mortein over the entire surface of the interior of the car. It was me or them.

I haven’t seen an ant since, but I’m buying 4 cans of Mortein tomorrow and getting the pest controller in next week.

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