The Buzz Shuffle

Buzzz…. zzzzzz  incessantly in my ears in the dark. Noooo….I opened my eyes and checked the clock. 3.30 a.m. This was a sleep in day, not an early day, darn it. Not even the sparrows were up yet. I don’t much like early days, especially when I don’t have to. I lay there for a while. It might go away.

Zzzzzzzzzzzz…. ZZZZZ….buzzzzz buz zzz. I got out of bed and went to the bathroom. I tripped over a dog and cursed.  I waited a minute then climbed back into bed. Hang it, I wanted some more sleep. ZZZZZ …zz…zzz…ZZZZZZZZZZZZ. I turned the light on and looked around me, I looked on the floor, I looked under the bed. Up the walls. Nothing. I grabbed my ear plugs and settled down again.

Then I got to thinking. What if I was sharing the sheets with something noxious, poisonous, crawly and painful? I got up again and checked the pillows. I checked the sheets. I listened and continued my rabid buzz spotting for some time. My nocturnal nemesis was now keeping a lid on it. It could be anywhere.

I turned every light on and checked the crannies and nooks.  BZZZZZZZ…zzzz. My dogs made a beeline (pardon the pun) for the corner of the room. I grabbed the bug spray and pounced. Nothing, anywhere…. BUZZZZ….it was infuriating.

I moved closer to the corner and honed in. It was in the wall. I put my ear flat to the VJs. I could hear scratching and more buzzing. God, help me. Do termites buzz? Is there a massive nest of nasty little wasps breeding away in my cavities? Is there a queen bee massing an army of angry drones ready to slip through a hole in the wall and sting me to death in my sleep?

I pulled the bed out and found the only hole that was available and downloaded a half a can of Mortein into it. Then I plugged the hole and listened. BUZZZZ….zzzzz, zz, zz, zzzz. There was a flipping buzz party going on in there. My only hope was that whatever it or they were, they were writhing in agony as they buzzed their last breath. Vindictive bug vigilante I may seem to be, but it’s survival of the fittest around here, and I’m not taking any chances with nasty little biters in my bedsheets.

I finally settled down, but it was impossible to get back to sleep. My ears were primed. I might have unleashed an angry horde of nasties so vast that they would push through the poison and rise up against  my blue tac before I had time to reach the door.

I am left wondering if it might be better to sleep on the couch tonight.

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