I’m having a blue day today. Not a bad day. That’s different. A bad day is when I’m late for work, get pulled over for speeding, arrive at work late anyway, get docked for it, have to work with the office manager from hell, miss lunch, get a migraine from not eating, and drive home in peak hour traffic. In another life I used to do that, but not now, and not today. Today is a blue day.
Today I’m at home. To be honest, I’ve been at home for a few months now. Mainly for health reasons. I”m studying, and working on working next year, but not today. Today I’m giving myself permission to feel down if I want to. I let it stay and I don’t fight it.
I recently had an operation that I am recovering from. It takes a while for the body, and the mind, to recover. Fourteen years ago, I had an operation to remove a brain tumour from my head. It took a long time to recover from that too, sometimes I think I’m still getting over it. In my mind, the recent operation and the past operation, although unrelated, have reinforced a sadness inside that will take a while to go away. The first operation rendered me infertile. I was unable to conceive naturally afterwards, and the subsequent IVF treatment over the years ended badly, with two miscarriages on our final attempts. My most recent operation was a complete hysterectomy, necessary for me to remain in reasonably good health, but not without it’s physical and emotional trauma.
I’m grateful for what I have. My parents, a brother, a loving husband, and a son born previous to my history of bad health. But it doesn’t stop me from feeling a sense of loss, and an ache inside that can’t be fixed in a hurry. It’s not independent of me, but it’s another part of myself that comes out every now and again on my blue days, and it needs to be accepted, not analysed. Why am I like this at times? I know why I’m like this. I wanted another child, maybe two. I can’t have them. I feel sad at times, but not all the time. I accept this. Blue days only become unacceptable when every day is a blue day. And I’ve been there too, and managed to pull back from it when I accepted it rather than fought it.
I don’t think we are conditioned, as human beings, to be happy all of the time. It would be virtually impossible. But we can be at peace a lot of the time and accept what is. Having the blues is way of working through something the right way, and come out the other side with some kind of acceptance, understanding, or forgiveness. Some things can’t be fixed. I know that as well as anybody. Maybe they don’t need to be fixed. Maybe I can accept it for what it is. One day.